Here Comes the Bride...

I couldn't wait until Saturday to weigh myself so I did it today and I lost half a pound. Better than nothing I suppose.


Also, I realise we haven't set a date and don't really know when we can afford it but I think I've found "the dress":


It's just over £600 but so worth it. Plus, if I stay the same size, I could fit into one of their size 20's (after it being adjusted in slightly and possibly out one inch on the hips (my hips are HUGE!)) but I don't want that, I'm determined to be in one of their smaller sizes. I just hope it's still on sale by the time I lose weight/get married *fingers crossed* :D

Celebrate Good Times, Come on!

I lost 4 Ibs! Therefore I weigh 275 and I have 131 to lose - hurrah! I realise the first week is a bit early to be celebrating this much but considering I'm only concentrating on the food portion of losing weight and not the excercise, I'm really surprised and happy with the result. To be fair, also, I weighed myself at a different time of day (before was about 5 in the morning - I don't think I could replicate that now) but I think I've still lost some weight despite that. What a good start to get off to! Here's a few things I've learnt this week:

• Having someone else doing the same diet (he's doing it as well after my own request) really helps.
• Doing a flexible diet where you can eat what you like in moderation is awesome!
• It's also not as difficult as I thought (my final realisation in this list is the main reason for this).
• Acceptance is key. I'm gonna eat rubbish and eat too much sometimes. But if I can accept it and carry on and not beat myself up for it, it's not as difficult as it could be (like last night when I ate one too many cupcakes. I don't care, I really bloody enjoyed it and I'd worked hard on this all wekk so I think I deserved it).
• One tiny cupcake is almost the same amount of calories as a massive bag of Sainsbury's own Cinema-Style popcorn! I think I'll stick to the popcorn in future.
• It's all my choice.

That last one is the main, clearing, identifier in my mind. It is absolutely my choice what I eat and how much excercise I do. Like my doctor said, it's my choice to take my anti-depressant tablets or not. But equally, I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of that. I have to live with being fat, I have to live with being unhappy, I have to live with being jobless. No one else. Or I could choose to do something about it. And I have. I've chosen to eat less and more healthily. I'm choosing to take the tablets that'll help me deal with things better. I haven't yet chosen to look for a job because I've chosen to deal with the above things first.

P.S. I also just chose to eat another cupcake. I told him to move them so I didn't choose to eat any more haha!

Fat Bottomed Girls they make the rockin' world go round...

So contrary to what you may think, I'm not awake at this time due to my depression for a change (it's official, I've seen a doctor and everything!). But unfortunately my cold leftovers (a sniffly nose and a really bad cough) has kept me up. Plus, I went back to the bedroom last night after a few nights sleeping on the sofa (cold related not row related) and it seems like the appearance of a weird arm ache is my body telling me it prefers the sofa. It's kind of like giving a poor person a mansion only to find they miss the familiarity of their tiny shack. My arm doesn't like mansions (ha! Not like my bed's any form of mansion or "luxury" - it's just better than the sofa).

So, inexplicably, I've gone on a diet. Well, I don't really like to call it that yet because I've only technically been "dieting" for about 2 days. I kind of feel like when I tell people I'm on a diet they kind of expect some change. So until there's some change, I may not tell many people. Especially seeing as this one will probably plummet to the forgotten hole that the rest of them do but I figure it's better than not trying at all.

So here are the few things that are helping me. Firstly the fact that when I've dieted previously I've felt really good so why would I want to going back to feeling bad and feeling judged? That's stupid.

Secondly, I'm using caloriecount.about.com. It's quite useful because I can record my food for the day and see my nutritional balance, a grade for the food I've been eating (I've improved each day - the first was a B+, yesterday was an A- and today was an A!). Plus it works out things like how many calories I should eat to lose weight, how many calories I'm burning etc etc. Overall, quite useful. Useful enough to become a bit obsessed. I'm better at things when I'm obsessed with them. The main problem is getting past me not doing perfectly. If I can do that then I could be on a good track.

Also I'm reading my way through Pasta Queen's blog (google it) who has done what I'm planning on doing (except she did the South Beach Diet) and she started at around the same age as me so I feel like I can understand how it feels more. So far there have been a good amount of things that I do actually relate too, which helps.

Thirdly this photo:

The first is an actual photo of me. The second is a photoshopped one done by some people on Facebook. That is roughly how I will (or at least my body will, the face looks a bit weird) look after losing 50 Ibs. Now, I didn't ever think that I looked like the second but I didn't realise I looked like the first. That's kind of shocking. The thing that's more shocking (and this makes me think maybe they did it slightly wrong) the second picture only shows me without approx 1/3 of the weight I need to lose. At that rate I could disappear by the time I get down to my goal. Either way, this picture's now my laptop background to try and motivate me.

So, for the honesty. I weigh 279 Ibs that's (I think) around 19 stone 13 Ibs. Yeh. I know. I need to get down to 144 Ibs and lose 135. My first mini goal is to get to 270 and then I'll aim for every 10 Ibs from there.

Now, I don't mean or even want this to turn into a "weight loss" blog. However, if all goes well and I happen to document it here, it may just do. Although I could do with the motivation (by motivation I don't mean telling me to put down the cookies and more telling me that I can achieve this please).

So far it's been ok. Again it's only 3 days so I don't feel like any real progress has been made. When I get to a month it'll be progress. Yesterday I was fairly hungry but today I was able to pace it out better. The main thing I'm worried about is our lack of money meaning we can't buy at least fruit (what I'm snacking on at the moment - that and really cheap and small chocolate mousses for if I need a sugar boost - only 100 calories!). That would not help.

Maybe I'll try getting back to bed :)

You Can't Always Get What You Want, You Get What You Need...

Although it seems in this instance even getting what we need is almost impossible.

I can't sleep. Well. I mean, I can sleep. My body is physically tired and it could use some sleep but I have things on my mind. Unfortunately when I'm stressed/worried etc the first thing to go is my ability to sleep. Wish it was my appetite but there you go. So, I'm here, ready to talk, if you're ready to listen. It's all really self involved if that's ok, I may forget to ask how you are and I apologise in advance for that.

Anyway, here's a one o'clock in the morning thought for you. You can try to be good, honest, kind, hardworking etc.... but that doesn't mean fuck all in life. It means nothing. No-one accepts them as worthy qualities. No-one sees you as any different from anyone else for having those traits. You won't earn more, you won't look better and you sure as hell won't feel better. So why the fuck are you even trying?

These are, unfortunately,all things which I try my best to be (although I'm not always but on the most part that's how I'd like to think of myself) and recently, we, as a couple, have just proved me right. It really doesn't mean shit.

Here's why (in chronological order) it doesn't mean shit to me:

I left my job and feel like that is my fault. Anyone can tell me it was driving me crazy/making me ill etc but I should've worked harder to be sane. Fullstop. That fact would've made the next stuff easier.

He left his job and it's my fault. He hated it there but maybe if I'd have stuck in my job he would've felt like he should've stuck in his. I don't feel upset that he did it, he hated it and he was well within his right to but at least we would've had something to fall back on. Mind you, if I hadn't of done the above thing this thing wouldn't have been so bad.

Someone tried to break in. I almost walked in on them. I didn't see them or even realise at the time what was happening but it still freaks me out a bit. This thing, however, is a tiny cog.

He didn't have the best birthday possible. I wanted it to be amazing because he deserved it so much but out of the 3 events we had the first was taken over by people doing what they wanted to do, the second he was almost forgotton and when he wasn't it was an afterthought because it was someone else's birthday (this really hurt his feelings) and at the 3rd he invited an old friend and was really disappointed in their actions and that brought it down for him.

Our washing machine broke. We have no money anyway and it broke down. This is the point when I start thinking, hang on there are a few things going wrong - hope it doesn't get worse.

The next item was the biggest, most devastating thing to happen. Up until now, whatever happened we thought that it's fine because we have enough money coming in. Yesterday, he got crushingly fired. The person in question who was his boss is someone who I thought was a fairly reasonable, polite person. It turns out I was wrong. Throughout the whole process he has mentioned frequently about how his boss keeps changing his mind about what he wants and, keeps changing and carrying on jobs but doing it really badly. This has meant a lot more work for a certain someone and more frustration. In any event, while his boss was on holiday he was required to build a wall and fill it in. Well, not only were there not enough materials but his boss had done half of it really badly. Yesterday he went into work and found that the wall he had built had been torn down. At the end of the day his boss came home and essentially, told him off but worse than that. He said that he was ashamed (ashamed!) of the work that had been done and requested that it was all pulled up and that he no longer work there (I should point that he has never said he is expert at what he was doing but that he could learn along the way and he would do his best). His boss then went on to blame him for some of the work that his boss had done! I can honestly say that I have never seen him so hurt and upset as I did yesterday. Never. He worked so hard, put so much energy and effort into it and the result is this. He told me he was crying while he was pulling up the patio he worked so many hours on. His boss didn't offer him anything so close as even a kind word. I was scared about what we were going to do for money but I was more horrified that someone I held in such high opinion could treat another human being in such a way, especially when that human being happens to be my fiance. We both spent a good few hours yesterday in tears. I still feel basically sick over the way he was treated. I could almost understand if he told his boss he was qualified etc but he didn't at any point and many of the mistakes were his boss' fault.

Well, after all of that, this morning, the toilet broke. It won't get fixed for at least 3 days. We can still use it but we have to pour a bucket of water in it to get rid of the contents. Sadly, it now works better than the toilet ever worked originally.

In order to get any form of money in, I rang round a few agencies looking for any jobs. I may have an interview for a call centre job on Tuesday. A call centre. A call centre.

Additionally, his mother has decided to start telling him that he's always welcome home. Just him. They have 2 empty rooms and an empty loft conversion but if he needs help then only he is allowed to return to his parent's. I would in no way want to live with them ever but I wonder if his mum even considers how that might make me feel. It's like no matter how nice she is to me and helpful etc at the end of the day she just couldn't give a shit. Even if it means seeing her son ridiculously unhappy she would still rather that we were apart and he was at home than anything else.

You know, it's all too much. Too much. It's getting to the point where I will drive along the motorway and just wait one second longer than I should before turning a bend. Just to scare myself. And I know that isn't good and I know I should see a doctor. I know, I really do. I just feel lost.

He told me today that my being so sad makes him really sad. I knew this as well but I don't know how to react to that really. I'm not sure what he thought telling me would do. And then a friend told me today how I worried her because she asked me if I was ok and, while my normal reply is yes, regardless of anything that I'm dealing with, I said no, no I'm not ok. I told her that this time, yes was too far of a lie for me say it.

I'm sure it'll get better. I'm sure there are people out there worse off than me. I'm sure I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, even if it is a mould infested, leaky roof. I'm sure there are people sicker, poorer, lonelier than me. I just don't care. Now it's just a case of waiting for the next thing to happen. Because it will. It so will and I can't stop it.

I know I need help.

P.S. How are you?

Even if I come back, even if I die - is there some idea to replace my life?

So, recently, I've been having real trouble understanding who I am and what the hell I'm doing with my life. I thought for ages that I wanted to be an event planner and I even set up a business in it which subsequently failed as I had no customers hah! Everyone else is pointing out that it's not necessarily a failure because technically I could still get customers - I still have a website, it still has my contact details but, as far as I'm concerned, it's failed.



By the way, I can be very hard on myself.



What I'm thinking is, like the title says, IS there some idea to replace my life? And also, what would that idea be? How would people remember me, if at all? Equally, what am I doing with my life? Am I going where I want to go? Am I who I want to be? How do I know where I want to go or who I want to be? Does it even matter?



After I gave up on "the business", I had a LOT of these questions working their way through the cracks in my mind. Apparently it's really common for someone my age to come across a crossroads such as this one. I almost feel like it's far too early in my life to be asking these questions but at the same time too late in my life to not know what I want to do.



Not many people know this but, because of these questions and the confusion I had, I almost pushed away the person I love most in the world. I told him that I didn't know myself and I didn't know if I even wanted him. Then he asked me to marry him. I said no. The look on his face, as much as he tried to hide his real feelings, was the most devestating look I've ever seen. He told me he didn't mind and he wanted to show me that he would love me and be there for me no matter what, even if I told him that I didn't love him anymore. That's one hell of a man right there. At that time, it was the first thing that became clear. He became clear to me and possibly the most stable thing I've ever had. The next day I asked him if it was ok to change my mind - he said yes :) Regardless of who I am or what I do, he's there and it's so relaxing to have that. Which is also awesome because, selfishly, it allows me to decide what I want to do.



We have an agreement to allow the other one to be selfish but to take it in turns. Right now, I can be selfish and decide what I want to do and where I want to go. After I'm done he'll be selfish and I'll support us both with full time work while he studies whatever he wants to study and decides for himself what he wants to do. Not that I would class that as particularly selfish but more that the focus will be on him rather than me. So far, this has worked out really well for us.



At one point, amidst my worst confusion we went to a cafe and I threw everything out the window. Not literally. I thought, and still think, the best way to find out who I am (well that sounds mighty poncy!) is to forget everything about who I think I am. We sat in this cafe for about an hour while I listed the things I definitely like and definitely don't like.



I like skittles (hah!).

I don't like being used.

I love tea.

I like helping people.

I loved doing charity work.

I love the good side of events.

I really hate the bad side (do I want to do something I really hate part of if I really love the other part?).

I love him.



And so on. I came to realise, in terms of a job, charity work is the best choice. At the moment I don't care where in the charity because I can only decide after doing it. But I have an interview on Monday for a Fundraising Officer position which I'm very excited about and would love to do. It's a very good start to "knowing" myself.

Equally, I'm standing up to people more. I'm not doing as many of those things I don't want to do. I worked out that I was doing so much of other people's things that all of what I thought were my likes and dislikes were actually a culmination of other people's likes and dislikes. That's what caused a large amount of this mess in the first place. Plus, I'd like to think, I'm not allowing myself to be used as much.

The rest of it, I guess I'm still finding out. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all. Partly from receiving a book called "Fuck It" from a good friend of mine that basically suggests just saying "Fuck It" to things and going with the flow more. It spoke to me somehow so that's in the back of my mind a lot at the moment and it's helping me just accept things the way they are a lot more. Plus I need to relax more as there are certain parts of my body and mind that like to remind me in a painful way when I'm stressed and I'd like to keep those things at bay as best I can.



The idea to replace my life? Introspection. And fantasy. It's not always a bad thing to be self involved maybe, if it makes you a better person. And it's definitely not a bad thing to be fantastical, my hope that something amazing will happen one day kept me alive in dark days. Something did happen - he did. (Not to sound preach-y but it could happen to you too).

Just Follow the Day, Follow the Day and Reach For the Sun!

Yeah I'm a follower, what of it? Random thought today, everyone else has a blog, why not me? Well firstly, I used to have a blog that went horribly wrong. Secondly, when I had that blog, it was very depressing and kind of self involved. I'm hoping this won't be like that. I think I've mostly started this because I have a lot of questions about myself that I feel the need to answer. Why? God knows. But I do and I reckon this might be a good sounding board for it.

You can comment if you want, or not. At the moment I'm finding it quite full of myself to refer to the collective "you" meaning everyone who's reading this blog and assuming that there'll be anyone who would actually take the time to read this blog, let alone actually comment on it. Anyway, this is mainly for me. Maybe I might find out something about myself. Maybe not. But if you do take the time to read it and you have an answer to a question, or a point to make or any reason to feel like you want to make a comment, feel free.