Even if I come back, even if I die - is there some idea to replace my life?

So, recently, I've been having real trouble understanding who I am and what the hell I'm doing with my life. I thought for ages that I wanted to be an event planner and I even set up a business in it which subsequently failed as I had no customers hah! Everyone else is pointing out that it's not necessarily a failure because technically I could still get customers - I still have a website, it still has my contact details but, as far as I'm concerned, it's failed.



By the way, I can be very hard on myself.



What I'm thinking is, like the title says, IS there some idea to replace my life? And also, what would that idea be? How would people remember me, if at all? Equally, what am I doing with my life? Am I going where I want to go? Am I who I want to be? How do I know where I want to go or who I want to be? Does it even matter?



After I gave up on "the business", I had a LOT of these questions working their way through the cracks in my mind. Apparently it's really common for someone my age to come across a crossroads such as this one. I almost feel like it's far too early in my life to be asking these questions but at the same time too late in my life to not know what I want to do.



Not many people know this but, because of these questions and the confusion I had, I almost pushed away the person I love most in the world. I told him that I didn't know myself and I didn't know if I even wanted him. Then he asked me to marry him. I said no. The look on his face, as much as he tried to hide his real feelings, was the most devestating look I've ever seen. He told me he didn't mind and he wanted to show me that he would love me and be there for me no matter what, even if I told him that I didn't love him anymore. That's one hell of a man right there. At that time, it was the first thing that became clear. He became clear to me and possibly the most stable thing I've ever had. The next day I asked him if it was ok to change my mind - he said yes :) Regardless of who I am or what I do, he's there and it's so relaxing to have that. Which is also awesome because, selfishly, it allows me to decide what I want to do.



We have an agreement to allow the other one to be selfish but to take it in turns. Right now, I can be selfish and decide what I want to do and where I want to go. After I'm done he'll be selfish and I'll support us both with full time work while he studies whatever he wants to study and decides for himself what he wants to do. Not that I would class that as particularly selfish but more that the focus will be on him rather than me. So far, this has worked out really well for us.



At one point, amidst my worst confusion we went to a cafe and I threw everything out the window. Not literally. I thought, and still think, the best way to find out who I am (well that sounds mighty poncy!) is to forget everything about who I think I am. We sat in this cafe for about an hour while I listed the things I definitely like and definitely don't like.



I like skittles (hah!).

I don't like being used.

I love tea.

I like helping people.

I loved doing charity work.

I love the good side of events.

I really hate the bad side (do I want to do something I really hate part of if I really love the other part?).

I love him.



And so on. I came to realise, in terms of a job, charity work is the best choice. At the moment I don't care where in the charity because I can only decide after doing it. But I have an interview on Monday for a Fundraising Officer position which I'm very excited about and would love to do. It's a very good start to "knowing" myself.

Equally, I'm standing up to people more. I'm not doing as many of those things I don't want to do. I worked out that I was doing so much of other people's things that all of what I thought were my likes and dislikes were actually a culmination of other people's likes and dislikes. That's what caused a large amount of this mess in the first place. Plus, I'd like to think, I'm not allowing myself to be used as much.

The rest of it, I guess I'm still finding out. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all. Partly from receiving a book called "Fuck It" from a good friend of mine that basically suggests just saying "Fuck It" to things and going with the flow more. It spoke to me somehow so that's in the back of my mind a lot at the moment and it's helping me just accept things the way they are a lot more. Plus I need to relax more as there are certain parts of my body and mind that like to remind me in a painful way when I'm stressed and I'd like to keep those things at bay as best I can.



The idea to replace my life? Introspection. And fantasy. It's not always a bad thing to be self involved maybe, if it makes you a better person. And it's definitely not a bad thing to be fantastical, my hope that something amazing will happen one day kept me alive in dark days. Something did happen - he did. (Not to sound preach-y but it could happen to you too).